The political climate these past few months has brought up a lot of conversation about “political correctness.” I have been dismayed at how often candidates, potential voters, or pundits disregard the need for political correctness. It seems to be a wish to return to some time when you could say whatever you wanted, no matter how hurtful or damaging it might be. Political correctness really, at its root, just means not being offensive.
When Phyllis Braxton from PINK Consulting came to our church to help us grow in our Intercultural Competence and Anti-Racism efforts, she put a new spin on the term “PC” which usually means Politically Correct. She said PC should mean “Personally Considerate.” Trying to be considerate of people and how they might feel by what we say– that’s the goal. For example, telling a joke that is hurtful of individuals or groups of people is probably not very considerate, because of the people it targets ever heard that joke, they would be hurt. Sharing online memes of people who look different, solely to laugh at them, is not personally considerate. Imagine how it would feel to find a photo of you circling the Internet as a hurtful meme.
So as we strive to grow our congregation to become a more diverse and complex Beloved Community, we need to strive not necessarily toward Political Correctness but Personal Consideration. But in our growing and changing, we will make mistakes. We need to be willing to RISK making mistakes! We might say something that is unintentionally hurtful. I truly believe that our congregation is full of loving, kind people who are not ever intentionally hurtful. But intention is not always enough. Our impact can still be hurtful even if we don’t intend it.
This is an important concept: Intent vs Impact. We have been taught our whole lives that “it’s the thought that counts.” As long as you don’t *mean* to be hurtful, it’s okay. But that’s not really true, is it? If it turns out that you accidentally “stepped in it” and said something you regret, or that you don’t even know why the other person is upset, the onus is on *you* to repair that relationship.
Here’s an example and how it often goes…
Joe – Welcome to our church, what brings you here?
Sally – I just really wanted to find a place where I can be with other people who believe like I do, and try to be a better person and improve the world.
Joe – Well, we don’t have a lot of People of Color here because they don’t really have a lot in common with us, because we’re not really Christian.
Sally – Are you saying that ALL People of Color are Christian? Because I’m not and I find that generalization kinda offensive.
Joe – Whoa, I didn’t mean it like that, calm down. It’s just true, most People of Color are more Christian than we are here.
(End of conversation… Sally walks away and probably doesn’t come back)
So what happened here? Joe made a generalization that in his mind was true, and he was trying to prepare Sally for the reality of our church. Sally challenged his generalization and stated that *she felt offended.* Joe’s reaction was to be defensive, justify his statement, and tell Sally to calm down.
He did two very important things:
1. He relied on his own intentions “I didn’t mean it like that” rather than the impact of his still offending her, even though he didn’t mean to.
2. He ignored and dismissed her experience of being offensive by telling her to calm down– that is, her offense was her problem, not his.
How can we change this interaction so Joe can be more Personally Considerate, and aware of his impact not just his intention?
Here’s Take Two…
Joe – Welcome to our church, what brings you here?
Sally – I just really wanted to find a place where I can be with other people who believe like I do, and try to be a better person and improve the world.
Joe – Well, we’re thrilled you’re here, but just so you know, we aren’t very Christian which does sometimes drive away People of Color who are looking for a more Christian church.
Sally – Oh. Well, I’m not Christian and actually a lot of People of Color aren’t Christian so I don’t really think that’s going to matter to me. It seems like that’s a pretty broad generalization of People of Color.
Joe – You’re right. That was a generalization. I’m sorry if that generalization was hurtful. Is it possible to start again? Tell me more about yourself and what you’re hoping to find here.
(Sally nods, and they continue their conversation)
Here, Joe says his original statement a little less forcefully, so he starts off a little better in terms of Personal Consideration. But even then, he makes an unintentional mistake and Sally calls him on his overgeneralization. She doesn’t specifically say she’s offended, but her tone and body language seem a little more closed-off, so Joe senses he might have made a mistake and immediately takes responsibility, tries to correct himself by acknowledging it, and apologizes.
The three most important things he does right here are:
1. He immediately takes responsibility for his mistake and acknowledges it (“You’re right. That was a generalization.”)
2. He doesn’t say “I’m sorry YOU feel that way.” He says, “I’m sorry if I was hurtful.” A true apology acknowledges the hurt that might have been caused.
3. He then asks if they can try to start over. Of course we can never truly start over in relationships, but we can try to start again on a new foot. It’s up to Sally to accept or reject his overture.
As we strive to become a more emotionally literate, aware, and considerate congregation, remember that this skill is very important. It’s also really helpful out in the world in your daily life. Intention isn’t enough. Trust the other person to tell you if your actions or words had an impact– or even be brave enough ask what impact you might have had (people aren’t often willing to call us on our mistakes!)
And remember, if your impact is offensive or hurtful, even if you didn’t intend it, just take a deep breath, acknowledge the learning and growth you are experiencing in the moment, and apologize sincerely. An “I’m sorry I hurt you” can go a long way.