For Everyone Who Loves Nevan– A primer on adoption (CLT)
The last month or so has been quite the whirlwind! My husband Brian and I found out on Tuesday, December 29 that we had been chosen to parent a baby boy, and we flew home Wednesday, from our holiday vacation in Chicago (where we were already delayed by 2 days getting home due to an ice storm!) and completed our adoption and got to meet Nevan for the first time on Thursday December 31– New Year’s Eve and also Brian’s birthday! After that, we stayed with him at the hospital in shifts, and brought him home in the beginning of January. We are excited, scared, nervous, happy, overwhelmed, and tired– all normal feelings for new parents I’m sure. We’ve named him Nevan (pronounced like “Evan” with an “N”, it’s Irish and means “Peacemaker”).
I have already made this announcement to the congregation as well as to family and friends, but now I want to spend some time a little more in depth discussing the complexity of adoption, and how we plan to move forward, and how you might support us, especially as his community of faith. Nevan will be a “PK” (pastor’s kid) which has it’s own set of complexities– so many people who feel extra-close to him, so many people to love him, so many people to watch his every move (which is great, and also can be hard for him as he gets older). So many people to say things to him.
We know you love him, and want the best for him, so here is a “primer” on modern Domestic Infant Adoption and some ways to help us support Nevan. These tips might also be helpful for anyone else you know who is or has created family through adoption.
1. DON’T minimize his adoption — Adoptees, like many minorities, often (but not always) feel like their adoption status is a part of their identity. Just like you wouldn’t say “I don’t see color!” to a Person of Color if you’re white (please, don’t say that), don’t say “He’s just your son! How you got him doesn’t matter.” It does matter. To us, and to him. This was a hard and complex journey, with lots of feelings and there will continue to be many feelings, positive and negative and in-between, for Nevan as he ages and understands his story more fully.
2. DO call him “ours” — He is our son. He is real. He is not our biological son, but he is our real son, and we are his real parents. Sometimes people ask who his “real mom” was. I think what they mean is “Who is his biological mom, or birth mom, or first mom?” We have shared some information with our closest friends and families about Nevan’s first mom, and are lucky to have started a bit of a relationship with her since she has chosen us to parent Nevan. We intend to keep that relationship as open as possible with her. Nevan is blessed to have two “real” moms– his first mom and me.
3. DON’T dismiss or belittle his birth mother — We are so, so incredibly grateful for the gift that she has given us. She has given us our son! That choice to make an adoption plan was, I can only imagine, excruciating. She didn’t “give him up” or “give him away” — she made an intentional plan to place him in a home where he would be raised in a way she currently is not able to raise him. She chose us among several families. She made a choice (as people who are profoundly pro-choice, we honor her choice). That was an act of love. Nevan’s first mom will always be a part of him. To belittle her is to belittle him, and we know you don’t want to do that.
4. DO treat him like any other kid — This goes for his adoption status as well his “PK” status. He’s just a kid. We wanted a kid, and we got one. He had no choice in the matter of being adopted or being the son of a minister. He will be amazing and adorable and sweet and also probably annoying at times, difficult, and cranky. Because he’s a kid.
5. DON’T treat us like heroes — We’ve heard from many (very well-meaning, loving, and kind) people how “wonderful” it is that we’ve chosen to adopt, or that we’re doing such a “good thing for him.” The truth is, we’ve done a selfish thing. We wanted a baby and weren’t able to have a child biologically, and we had the financial means to pay an agency to match us with him. There is a lot of loss here– on the part of his birth mother certainly, on our part for not having the experience of carrying a child in pregnancy, and mostly on Nevan for being separated from his birth mother. Sure he’s lucky to have such loving parents now, but we aren’t saints. To assume we are somehow parenting Nevan out of a sense of duty, or charity, gives us way too much credit and places an undue burden on Nevan to feel grateful to us– of course he might feel grateful as a kid does to their parents– but not any more so because we adopted him.
6. DO assume he knows he is adopted — It’s nothing to be ashamed of and not a secret, certainly not from him. We’ve already told him all about it! We’ve told him how lucky we are that we get to be his parents, that we’re sad he had to be separated from his first mom, and that we understand if he’s sad too. We’ve told him we love him so, so, so much, and that so many people all over the country and the world already love him. And we will continue to tell him. Adoption is beautiful, and wonderful, but it is also hard, complex, and full of loss. He will know this first-hand as he grows up, and we want to be sure the people around him know too, so we can all be sensitive to his experience.
Thank you for loving Nevan and being part of the village that raises him.
With gratitude,
Nevan’s Mom and Dad — Christina and Brian